Thursday, December 17, 2009

What I Don't Want For Christmas: Shitty Shit Shit

What I Don't Want For Christmas: Shitty Shit Shit

In a continuing limited series, that will conclude once I can't make the joke anymore on Christmas Day. I would like to tell you more things I do not want for Christmas. (Nudge Nudge)
These are things that I have seen on tv in my late nights up, but they're things that our society has deemed fit to produce as there was someone out there willing to purchase these things that someone was willing to invest their money on.

First up - Toilet Paper foam

I'm... not sure what the hell is the purpose of that. Maybe you shouldn't be wiping your ass with sandpaper. Just a thought. I'm not sure how you will bring this up to a friend, so I'm not sure how this ever got past the original idea. You really couldn't go "Yo, Philip. I was just int he can and my hemroids were kicking up when I was just wiping my ass, if only there was a product to make toilet paper wet.. without wetting it"

The next product is also dealing with your ass. I guess this means that your ass is big business these days.

Comfort Wipe

"Being a big guy has its advantages and its disadvantages"
Wait.. what? What fucking advantages do you have if you're a big guy? Not getting laid? Never seeing your toes? I don't see where the advantages are. I do see one disadvantage. Not being able to reach around to your huge ass to wipe it!
"It's embarassing to have someone help you in your personal matters. The Comfort wipe allows you to keep your dignity"
Um. I would imagine that needing to wipe your ass with toilet paper on a long plastic rod is the definition of not having any dignity. I hate to imagine the beta versions of this. Maybe they were just toilet paper at the end of very long sticks. Either way, I'm sure I don't need either one of these. I'm not sure there's anyone who would need these...

The final one..

The Hawaii Chair

By all means, this makes you look like a complete moron. I'm not sure what's so Hawaiian about it anyway. I mean, you're moving your hips. That's about it. It's not a hula dance, it's you being shaken and I'm pretty sure that it never worked at allowing you to lose weight. Chances are it just made you lose your lunch and cause dizziness. At the very least you couldn't really write correctly while sitting in this awful chair.

So there you have it. You still have a little more than week to go out shopping. Make sure you run over someone in your travels.

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