Sunday, December 20, 2009

It's A Wonderful Life Should Die Hard With A Vengeance

It's A Wonderful Life Should Die Hard With A Vengeance

I'm going to admit it, I haven't sat through It's A Wonderful Life from start to end. I just can't. It's way too fucking boring and the message is just hammered in way too much for me to ever enjoy it in the slightest. Why we have decided that It's A Wonderful Life is the go to movie when it comes to Christmas, I do not know. Fuck the religion-supporting "it's a wonderful life", I want there to be a version that replaces Christmas with Holidays to really piss off the religious type. For my money that award of Christmas movie goes to Die Hard

Stay with me here. Die Hard is the ultimate in Christmas movies as it has it all. Let me just set the stage with the trailer alone;

Yes, it may lose some points for having a cop who is willing, if not eager to kill people as a hero. On the other hand it has RUN DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" as well as having Alan Rickman in it as the bad guy, I think it's not only the best Christmas movie, it's the best movie ever.

I may lose some credibility because I work next to the building featured in the film daily and I have connections with the production company that released the film, but all those things get null and voided once you see the film and realize how truly festive it really is. Not only that, how truly revolutionary it really is.

Yes, Die Hard is a pretty progressive. Don't believe me? If you forget the sequels and think of these little facts about the movie:
  • the "terrorists" are white, and the cause of their terrorism isn't any cause for oppressed peoples - that's a front they admit to not giving a shit about. they're capitalists (thieves)
  • the married woman is fine so long as nobody realizes she's married. it's when they discover she's married that she has real problems. also, the hero calls himself an asshole for forcing her to admit her marital status
  • the hero gets along completely with all the brown people in the movie (except the token black techno-nerd - whom he doesn't kill - and the one unnamed yellow terrorist) and very few of the white people, all of whom he argues with at at least one point
  • the more money a character has, the more likely he or she is to be dead or humiliated by the end of the movie
  • the msm and corporate tools are not on the sides of the heroes and make their jobs harder
  • the higher the rank of any law enforcer, the less likely he is to be a hero
  • the hero would've been out of trouble within minutes if he weren't in a monstrous tower built as a monument to capitalism and greed
  • the hero is a catholic who prays to god several times and never gets his wish unless he takes matters in his own hands

Yeah. how about you deal with that shit! Home alone may come to mind, but don't let that cute little kid fool you. Look what he grew up to be. And don't try to talk to me about Scrooged. It may be a great holiday film but Bill Murray in Scrooegd is JEW HOLLYWOOD and that's not very progressive at all.

The only thing that comes close to it is Gremlins which does a good job at warning us about the evils of capitalism. It's also a pretty good Christmas story true to the holiday as it's about annoying little snots ruining everyone else's good time with their mischief.

Tons of people die in Gremlins and it is pretty awesome considering it is a children's film. Also, Phoebe Cate's dad died in the chimney. Driving a snowplow into Futterman's house, abusing the bar Phoebe Cates worked, Cannon balling into the pool, burning people alive while watching snow white and sending that old crone on the rascal into the stratosphere. That is amazing for a Holiday film.

Gremlins 2 deserves its own post and a ton of credit for how anti-capitalist it is. Calmp Towers is basically everything that was wrong with the 80's all in one big, dumb building. I also had Tony Randall singing New York, New York. As much as I hate New York, I still give it props for that sort of thing.

Bad Santa should also have some mention as an awesome Holiday movie because it's about a complete loser who bucks the system and still gets ahead. That and it's pretty god damn funny. But if there's one thing that you need to do before the Holiday season is over, it's watch Die Hard