There has been a lot of talk about an exit strategy lately and given the nature of the holiday season, that comes with good reason... Wait, did you think I was talking about Iraq? Ha. Nah, I'm talking about the giant elephant in the room that's currently kicking the chair from under him, hanging himself.
With all that time spent with family and the stress cause by going out and being a consumer and shopping for that "perfect" gift, it's no wonder why people off themselves around this time of year. That's even if you have family to give things to. Those folks who have no one in their lives.. Holy hell, that's gotta be even tougher. What with the days getting shorter and the nights inversely doing the opposite of that, can you really say you're surprised by the level of depression out there?
Don't even get me started on the folks in uniform. Considering Armed Forces suicide rates outnumber the amount killed in Iraq this year so far, I think it's safe to say that there needs to be some help out there. That's why I'm going on about this and just going to do the most morally wrong thing possible... teach you how to commit your final act in style. TLC, get ready a show for me!
Yes, that's right, Suicide. The voluntary act of taking one's own life. A cowardly retreat from the pressures and toils of daily life, or the bold head-first entrance to a new and unexplored frontier.. whatever way you want to look at it, if you killed yourself today, there will oddly enough be people who benefit from it.
From the cost you saved government in money to keep you healthy and sane, to the lack of needing food produced for you. You would stop taking up valuable living space and you would stop producing waste.. but again, we do need to dispose of your body. No more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere from your mouth and most of all, no more you. Yes sir, by you committing the single simple set of actions that led to your demise, you can stop contributing to the huge numbers of problems you are complacent in. Let's take a look of the revolutionaries who previously ended their life;
-Leandro Alem, founder of the Argentine Radical Civic Union
-Guy Debord, French marxist intellectual
-Thích Quảng Đức, Vietnamese Buddhist monk
-Andre Gorz, existential Marxist and political ecologist
-Abbie Hoffman, political activist
-Bruce Edwards Ivins, perpetrator of the anthrax attacks on US politicians
-Paul Lafargue, son-in-law of Karl Marx and fellow Marxist
The list goes on! Read all about it on Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia that decided to list famous revolutionaries that offed themselves!
So, then, you've made the informed, careful decision to off yourself. You've realized that any pain your death will cause your friends and family by suicide will not even come close to the amount of suffering you've inflicted on the oppressed peoples of the third world just by existing. How are you going to do it? There are several exciting options! Let's look at a few of the more popular ones.
Requires Some form of rope, Something to tie the rope to
This tried and true method is sure to make a statement about you-you're a classicist, someone who appreciates the originals. It's the second most common method in the US after the ol' Hemingway. Deceptively simple. I'm sure you've seen it done before. Make sure the knot is tight. Here's a diagram explaining how to tie a proper noose, for those among us with a flair for the dramatic.
in this example, substitute the ring at the end for your neck.
Couldn't be simpler! There are two ways to play here. If you have access to a tree or other overhanging object sufficiently tall that your feet won't touch the ground when suspended from it, you can pretty much figure out what to do from here. However, if you're stuck somewhere, a jail cell, say, you'll have to get creative. If there's a doorknob available, or just about anything you can tie a rope on, you're in the clear. Belts work great for those without ropes.
Did you know that hanging requires a very precise measurement of weight and height of drop to be an effective, quick method of death? There is a very tiny window of appropriate force to apply, which has to be carefully thought out, taking into account your weight and the height of your drop, to ensure that your neck is broken and you die nearly instantaneously. Too short a drop? Your windpipe is slowly crushed and your dear sweet mother gets to find you in the closet, eyes bulging out of their sockets, wide with fear, with your fingernails digging bloody little trenches into your neck as you fruitlessly tried to abort your painful, terrifying miscalculation. Too far? Somebody gets to find your decapitated remains splayed about. Hope you didn't love them, because they'll be scarred for life at seeing your hideous, gruesome end
Requires: One firearm, One bullet
It's that easy! Wow!
Guns are a little more forgiving than hanging, but not by much. Putting the wrong part of your brain through the back of your skull can leave you simply paralyzed, or worse, ensuring that your attempted escape from this plane of existence that has brought you nothing but a lifetime of further suffering on it, multiplied 10 times over by your new disability. Also, bearing in mind that you're suicidal, you probably have suffered with severe depression for some time, and don't wish to be a burden on your family and friends. After all, it's likely that one of the reasons you're leaving the world is because you feel you're too much of a burden on those around you already or you don't have that circle of friends who WOULD take care of you. Gun suicide is one of the most traumatic forms of death on the victim's surviving family and friends. Your pain may be over, but the pain of the people who live on after you will be made much, much worse by your escape vector if you use a gun.
The question of aim with a shotgun constantly arises. There are many recorded instances of suicides failing where the shotgun is placed under the chin; conversely, the author has heard of no instances where a shotgun barrel placed fully in the mouth and slightly elevated, with the stock properly braced, has resulted in the continued life of the would-be deceased. The infamous "Judas Priest" suicides, where Raymond Belknap died but James Vance survived, involved firing the shotgun under the chin - *not* in the mouth. Mr. Belknap was evidence that under the chin -can- kill you; Mr. Vance was evidence that under the chin can -fail-. (Eventually, Mr. Vance collected enough painkillers to successfully suicide about three years after blowing his face off.)
For shotguns the best way is the hemingway: sit in a chair, place butt of gun on ground, hold barrel firmly in mouth flush against soft upper mouth tissue, pull trigger with toe. an awkward position to be sure, but it gets results.
Putting a gun to your temple isn't as sure fire as it sounds. You could just lobotomize yourself and end up a vegetable. Much better to stick it in your mouth and aim roughly towards the base of the skull to hit the thing that attaches to your spine for instant death.
That's from the Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer Texas chainsaw massacre. If you aren't feeling suicidal yet, just give that a watch and you'll be right there... It's really sad that it took two entire dudes to make that gay ass movie. This scene is literally the only memorable thing aside from a guy being stuck on a meat hook or something. Fun Fact -Sometimes firearm contact wounds cause star shaped burns around the bigass hole they plug in your skull.
(note: If you HAVE to use a gun, make sure you steadily breathe out as you smoothly pull the trigger in, this will steady your hand and make your attempt much more effective. The number one reason for failed suicides by gun is your hand jerking as you pull the trigger. Relax, and slowly squeeze, not worrying where in the travel the hammer will drop. Just calmly breathe out and pull.)
Requires: Sufficient quantities of any poisonous substance
Hitler did it. The most popular poison is potassium cyanide. How the heck do you get that, you may ask? The answer is science supply.
However, if you can't get your hands on any of this, there are a lot of creative ways to poison yourself. You could down a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Jack, you could leave your car on in the garage, you could even eat too much nutmeg. Which would just be the cherry on top to this whole holiday season. One of the great things about poisoning is that if done correctly it can be quick and painless, which is great because who the fuck makes sacrifices when they're trying to do something they believe in?
Hydrogen sulfide inhalation
This is a specific form of poisoning with many Pros:
-The needed materials are cheap and easy to obtain.
-The chances of accidental survival are low.
-The method is quick and painless.
-Your corpse will still be suitable for open-casket funeral, if next of kin desire, and you won't leave a big mess for emergency responders to deal with.
-The poisonous gas you generate can harm others. Probably best to do this in a car, tool shed, portable john, or other enclosed space that isn't immediately adjacent to other people, and to leave a warning sign about poison gas where people can see before opening the doors.
To pull it off you will need a metal sulfide and an acid to react it with, freeing hydrogen sulfide (H2S) gas. Some readily available sulfide sources are liver of sulfur (crude potassium sulfide mixture used for metal treatment effects), pure sodium sulfide as used in some photographic toning processes, or lime sulfur (calcium sulfide/polysulfide mixture), which is used for veterinary and also agricultural purposes.
For the acid almost anything will work: muriatic (hydrochloric) acid sold for swimming pool pH control, sodium bisulfate sold for the same purpose, various rust and limescale removing products, even lemon juice.
The method is now popular in Japan. In Japan the sulfide component has usually been a calcium polysulfide mixture that is added to bath water to replicate the experience of soaking in natural sulfide-bearing hot springs. Outside of Japan the products I have named above are probably easier to obtain sources of metallic sulfides.
Requires: A sufficient amount of water
You can drown yourself in a bucket if you're dedicated. Driving a car into a body of water with the windows rolled up is a very effective method as it allows no opportunity for escape. Quitters never win! If you're really worried about your buoyancy, just find a rock, cinder block or other heavy object and properly affix yourself to it, then toss it off a pier with sufficiently deep water. Hey presto, suffer no more! There are lots of exciting ways and places to drown. Try breaking in to a public pool at night and doing it, just for shits and giggles.
The "totally fucking awesome" Suicide method:
1. tie cheese wire around your neck and then then tie it to something sturdy on top of a tall building. Make sure to leave some slack.
2. Superglue your hands to your head
If done correctly, you'll fall a distance of metres before the cheese wire becomes taut, neatly slicing your head off. You will then hit the pavement hard. However, since you superglued your hands to your head, to those who didn't see it, it will look like you pulled your own motherfucking head off.
Requires: A ledge
This one's pretty straightforward, too.
If you're really dedicated, you can kill yourself jumping off a fridge or a vending machine. Just make sure you land head first. You think your life is bad now, try living it after a failed suicide attempt. Either do it or don't. Self pity and non-commitment is so pathetic.
I guess the only thing that I can't tell you is where to get any information about setting your affairs in order before you depart. So if you want to leave your meager savings to a few charities and a local neighborhood center, by all means, knock yourself out. I know people often joke about it, but I'm pretty sure this is literally the stuff that gets me on the FBI watchlists. That's alright though, I assumed if the FBI ever read my blog I would be already off to Guantanamo.
This makes you wonder if animals ever commit suicide... This video should answer your question;
Then again, that's not suicide, he's just going on a fucking adventure! Those commentators are just a bunch of haters. But um.. yeah, that aint no Disney romp across three states to find the family who moved and forgot them in a kennel, That penguin is a fuckin' goner. That pengiun is self actualized and making it's own destiny... and it has chosen death.
Maybe I'm wrong. That penguin is going to become like the captain of the royal guard or an astronaut or something and he's going to return to his penguin home with a dozen posting medals and show them all.
The most harmful thing someone in the 1st world can do for the environment is have a child. Therefore, the best thing a person can do for the environment is kill as many babies as they can and then kill themselves. If you care at all about the environment follow my advice ASAP.
So there. We've coverd a lot of he basics, but the ways to bring about your end are endless! With a little creativity, you can make a mark with your death other than a blood stain or a crack in the concrete. Here's a fun one- Join the military, go through the entire recruitment and training process, but then the second they give you a live firearm, boom. Congrats, you've effectively trolled an entire organization and pissed away tax payer's cash.
I'll be happy to answer any questions about offing yourself you might have beyond what I've already covered. Though, if I could touch on one more option.. I bring to you the best possible way to end your miserable life...
Enter our Wonderful Friend: Helium!
That's right! The stuff that makes you sound like a munchkin! Helium is one of the least-mentioned methods of suicide, yet it is one of the best, since it is completely painless, 100% effective, works quickly (you can be out in 10 seconds, dead in 3 minutes), and best of all, very reversible... considering we are talking about suicide.
So how the hell does helium work? Did you know your body has no way of knowing how much oxygen it has in it? It's true! The burning sensation you feel when you hold your breath in isn't actually your lungs crying out for more oxygen, it's your body protesting the buildup of Carbon Dioxide! That's right, your body cannot sense if it has enough oxygen to continue living, your breathing is only regulated by carbon dioxide levels in your blood, which it can sense. Helium, when inhaled, displaces oxygen in your lungs, causing asphyxiation. It is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and quite fatal in the right dose!
Well, really, any noble gas will do. Argon, xenon, neon, each of these will be just as effective as helium in ending your life. Helium is just the easiest to obtain. In fact, one of the reasons helium is the method of choice for your last goodbye is that it's much, much cheaper and easier to obtain than a gun or various other guaranteed-fatal implements. Just ask any party store! . Got a birthday party coming up? Just pay the deposit and rental fee and away you go with enough helium to kill you 20 times over! Once you've got that, all you need is some plastic tubing, duct tape and a dust mask (or any standard anesthetic mask). Then, sit down somewhere where you can be alone for ~10 minutes at the absolute max, twist the valve and enjoy oblivion. As you inhale, the helium will replace the oxygen in your lungs, starving your brain. You will not feel any pain, and your C02 levels will be unaffected. Depending on how high you turn the valve up, (do this in VERY SMALL INCREMENTS! The tank might not have a regulator, and you could seriously damage your face if you release all 8000 PSI at once.) you should be unconscious within 10 seconds, and completely dead within 3 minutes. You will feel no pain or adverse effects throughout the entire process, and you will be very, very deceased at the end of it. Find someplace pretty to do it, someplace with a nice sunset. Remember, it'll be your last.
When you are discovered, you will be indistinguishable from somebody in a deep sleep, save the mask on your face. Depending on how long it is before you are discovered, you should still have something of a healthy appearance (My advice, end yourself someplace semi-public. You'll be discovered before you begin to show signs of departure, but you'll be long dead). Best of all though, you will save your rescuers/your family the trauma of scraping bits of you off of a wall, and you can give those you loved the tiniest shred of consolation in your death, in their knowledge that you died peacefully and painlessly. Make sure you pin some signage to yourself or your surroundings informing your rescuers that they could be in danger though!!!! This is very important!!! After you are dead, the tank will continue to empty out its significant contents, and they may succumb to the gas (remember: tasteless, odorless etc.) if they are not properly warned!
But What if I Don't Really Want to Die?
Glad you asked! This is another strength of helium, since its point of no return/point of serious brain damage comes very late in the attempt, and it is completely, 100% reversible up to then! Feeling depressed, suicidal even, but unsure if a final exit is really what you need? Desperate to cry out to those you love the severity of your situation, but unsure how? Call the cops on yourself and hide in an upstairs room, then as soon as you hear them kick the door in downstairs turn the valve open. You'll be unconscious and very convincing by the time they make it upstairs, but when they remove the mask you'll be unharmed, and your loved ones will be made aware of your plight without having to use the words you never could find.
Use helium. It is better in literally every way than almost anything else, for almost every purpose.
Not only that but you'll also have a funny voice.
Happy Birthday Elizabeth II
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